i'm feeling different, and it is Good.

::yawn!::

Very tired. Very. and kinda like I'm coming down with something, but I haven't come down with it yet. I feel like my period never ended, except it ended almost a week ago. Like I'm walking on a boat, always about to puke a little.

Don't make me tell you, 'cuz I don't know. And if I tried to guess and I was wrong, I would feel like an idiot. So until I decide to say anything, it's the flu.

Hear me? THE FLU. lol

another reason why I believe belly dance is the most divinely feminine form of dance a woman can practice or perform:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_qi_My1yIU&NR=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3JTRn7Q0UE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NwFdeeZO_gU&feature=related

Another unlucky New Year's Eve--Will was scheduled to work and he feels sick. Me? Well, I'm overstimulated by all the people I have had to ...y'know...relate to. :) I'm very content to sit in my living room and watch belly dance for two hours and catch up on the blogs.

Not to gross you out, but my sex drive has been even higher than normal the past week. (probably due to my "flu") The fun part is, Will has been getting into it. ::giggle:: so we've had a lot of fun. I really cherish the time I have spent with him this past week. For a while, things were looking really bad. For about three days we hardly spoke to each other because neither of us wanted to burst the speech bubble above out heads holding all the paragraphs about divorce. We looked at each other longingly from either side of that bubble and said, "but I would really miss you--can't we just stay married?" And ever since, it is as if we started a whole new relationship as new people. Our worlds collided too fast when we were married. We didn't have time to ease back into love.

Now,
now we are in love more in spirit and skin than we have ever been.

It is as the LORD said of Creation--it is Good.

Christamas (with my new camera!)

a big loser

I’m obsessed with “before and after” stories of people who have lost 100lbs or more. I’ve been looking them up on the internet. I love looking at the pictures and reading about how they overcame the struggle. Really, I don’t know why I didn’t do this sooner. I have 115lbs to lose—all this time, I have been facing that alone. I look at others that have “been there, done that” and think it was so much easier for them. Somehow, they struggled less than I. I am delighted to discover how wrong I am. Now, as I have read how they fought hard to commit to the change, I feel encouraged. I feel like that will be me.

For those of you who kept up with www.sirenofthefarmhouse.blogspot.com, you may be wondering why I am now so focused on becoming skinny. Where is the bikini-sporting, sassy Miss Piggy that graced Blogger last summer? Simple—she gave birth to Me, the one who is finally ready to change for all the right reasons. I was emotionally healed last year. I never lost that perspective. I AM sexy right now. I’m just absolutely done being this size. I want to experience being a runner and moving faster when I belly dance. I want a different silhouette. Most important of all, I recognize that I abuse food, and I don’t want to be in the cycle of addiction anymore. I need a healthier way of dealing with my demons.

Last Monday, December 3, 2007, I weighed 264.2 lbs. on a 5’ 6” frame. I was done. No more. It wasn’t about my health or self esteem. I’d had enough—I wanted to be thin. And I was going to do it, too—that very day. I dropped 6.4 lbs. in 7 days. Tuesday of this week, Will and I went out to a movie and dinner. I had never been to the Brick Oven. Pssh. I should have stayed home and had the mashed potatoes Will made. The dinner was really tasty, but left my body just as quickly as it went in. Too much oil. J I doubled my efforts to lose the pound I gained from that escapade and swore myself for good off fast food until I can learn to eat smaller portions.

My goal is broken down to the week. This helps me to stay on top of things. I’m weighing three times a week. I exceeded my first week’s goal—so far so good. I know it will get difficult, and I’m ready. Last night, for instance, I wasn’t quite motivated to exercise. So I watched weight loss stories until I felt motivated. Then, I pumped some new music into my MP3 and went walking for an hour! I felt great!

Since I have been reading about other success stories online, I’ve thought about starting a blog of my own dedicated to chronicling the story of my weight loss. Then I can share my success with the world—I’m no longer afraid to say that. I will succeed.

riding the pendulum

Since Sensei Pharyngitis left, many self-rattling things have happened. I have found it difficult to organize my thoughts into words, so I hope you pardon me.

I applied to a local university just after writing the last entry. Later, Will and I talked it over, and I conceded to wait until the fall of ’08 to start school. At least there was a glimmer in the dim view of my listlessness.

The past couple weeks, my husband and I finally faced our philosophical differences. We were brought to a very frightening place where we could not agree to have children or even stay married if we did not unify. We finally did come to a sweet, mutual understanding, thank God. I never, never want to go through that again.

Every time opposing aspects our personalities arise and I wonder how we ever got with each other in the first place.
This morning I asked in good humor, “How did we think this marriage was going to work?”
“Because we were in love with each other.” he replied. My husband—the hopeless romantic.
“Well, I think it will all work out. I still really love you.”
“Me too.” he said.

With all that scariness over, it was back to baby-making! Will is more of a ‘just let it happen’ kind of guy. So am I to a certain extent, but with Will working two jobs and doing other stuff in the evenings, I suggested setting time aside to try. I asked Will to tell me how frequently this should happen. After a week and a half, we’re starting to find that Will isn’t a very good judge of what workloads he can handle and what he cannot.

lol

Bless his heart, he sure has tried his best to stick to the goal he had set with me. He said planning takes all the fun out of it. Me? Well, it’s finally starting to get a little old for me. We still want kids, but like everything else in our marriage, we’re clinging to the pendulum as it sways from extreme to extreme, until it finally settles somewhere in the range of ‘moderation.’