wet watermelon

MOVED!!!

2010-08-30T15:39:00.005-08:00

Looking for Wet Watermelon??

I MOVED! that's right, I MOVED!

CLICK THIS LINK to experience the all-new cyber ME!

There's loads of fun stuff being posted regularly--Come check it out!
:) Krista
(aka Wet Watermelon)
PS...The Body Beneath is still going strong, and it got a Makeover!!! Check it out!

the "Life in a Day" project

2010-08-01T18:48:00.001-08:00

For some reason I got the itch to try and submit footage to the Life in a Day documentary that Ridley Scott is Producing. I love Ridley Scott's stuff, and it seemed easy enough. Well, first, I filmed the wrong day, and on the right day I had to use the "bad" camera because I had used all the batteries for the "good" camera the day before. It took me several days just to find out that there was NO WAY I would be able to edit all the footage I had into different files or bigger chunks. So I decided to submit it completely raw, as they suggested.

Then came the nightmare of uploading. There were several video files that literally took 45 minutes to upload just to Youtube...and THEN the submission process for the film was such that it required me to submit each and every little bit I had uploaded separately. All 45 videos. I had to fill in my name, my email, my country twice, my language twice, the various places, emotions and people and weather conditions...For Each And EVERY Video submission. Not only that, but when I went to upload all my footage, they wouldn't let me find part ONE! I had to start at part FOURTEEN! They gave us a week to do it. I don't even work right now, and I couldn't get in all my footage by the deadline!

I have to say, this experience only made me mildly annoyed with the production team of Life in a Day. What made me absolutely FURIOUS was my filming equipment. There are SO many dreams I want to follow, including being a film maker. I really wish I had the resources to buy an HD camera (like they wanted) with a clip-on mic and really great, solid, non-buggy editing equipment...and an external hard drive to keep all my movies on...and while I'm at it, let's throw in ANOTHER contest or event like this one so that I can blow them away with a killer submission. One that's compelling, moving and COMPLETE!

Well, I'll have to settle for patting myself on the back for trying, even with my jacked-up submission. The story of the day we filmed was basically that we are so far in debt that we have trouble paying to put gas in our car, but we laugh and make music thru all of our troubles, and Will's going back to school soon, so there's hope. I find it very ironic that our current financial situation has prevented me from obtaining the very equipment that would have made it more likely that the Life in a Day producers would have seen it. IT was a great story about average American financial troubles...and because of those financial troubles, they will probably never see it.

Whine, whine, whine and complain!
Really, if it meant enough to me, I would find a way to pay for all the equipment I want. That's what I'm discovering now. If you are truly passionate about succeeding at something, you'll keep going until you achieve it. NOTHING will stop you. That's why I didn't give up. I tried diligently all the way to the deadline to upload and submit whatever videos I could. I had done too much work to just give in. Too much of my life has been wasted and too many opportunities have passed me by because I have given up. Not to be defeated by myself again, this time, I seized the moment and did everything I could.

I'm proud of myself for that.

Little Egypt

2010-07-21T13:13:00.000-08:00

the second and third-to-last airbenders go to see what happened to the last one...

2010-07-14T19:16:00.008-08:00

Yep. That's my husband with highlighter on his forehead. The guy holding the highlighter? Virtually one of the only men on the planet who knows that highlighter washes right off foreheads? Jay, my brother. Hey, if I dress in drag and do the hula, my brother has to have something strange about him. Good thing he married a great friend (Andrea, pictured) who understands when to just stand there and laugh. As we left the theatre, Will says to Jay, "...but why do I feel like Element Bending is really possible?" "Because it is." said Jay. Who also believes in mermaids, unicorns, magic wands, and has the THIRD MOST-READ ZELDA UNIVERSE FICTION online. So he believes in pretty much everything magical...except Aliens. Jay says they don't exist.

a Bejeweled-ler at last...the world is not safe

2010-06-09T05:54:00.000-08:00

As I explained in my previous post, I'm more fond of typewriters than I am of technology. I was born in the late 70's to parents who couldn't afford the ATARI/Nintendo stuff until I was well into my early teens, and D&D was too mathematical for me. Consequently, I never caught the Gaming Virus. I spent time with trees and poetry journals. I haughtily accused my younger brother of wasting his time on games that turned his brain to groats and his eyes to marshmallows.

Then, I got an iPhone.

It all started off so innocent--why wouldn't I want cool, free game Apps like Chess and Connect Four on my phone? You know...just in case I was ever bored somewhere. And then I found the TETRIS App. Ooooooohhhhh....that was the one and only game I was able to play on the Nintendo--everything else required complex eye-hand coordination or riddle solving. TETRIS was simple--fit the pieces, make the line, get points. Awesome. I could play TETRIS forever. Thank goodness it eventually gets too fast for me, because if it never did, I would never stop playing it. That App was worth EVERY CENT of the $4.99 I paid for it.

A few years ago, I heard of some new games on desktop computers...Chuzzle and Bejeweled. My gaming roommate, of course, was playing them all the time, and once again my snobbery kicked in. I thought highly of myself that I wasn't wasting entire evenings on matching lines of things that exploded.

But then my sister started to play it, and my mother, and my husband's mother (like every day) and my sisters-in-law! Everyone, especially the women in my life, would take time out of their days to tinker around with these virtual jewels the would do-si-do and explode! Just a couple months ago I heard an audio article on All Things Considered by NPR about how insanely popular the game has become, especially with women who are at home on Facebook a lot. I shook my head at the country. Shouldn't we be connecting in person?

Then one day it all hit home--there was my husband flipping his finger over Bejeweled 2 on his iPhone...and he had PAID for it! Finally, I broke down and tried it on my new desktop computer. All it took was one session and I was hooked. The gleaming jewels, the mysterious music, the sounds...click, click, PSSHHH! And then a really scary voice ushers you through a beautiful, rainbow wormhole of happiness and wonder.

Yesterday, I bought it for My iPhone--only $2.99. Worth every cent.

time

2010-06-03T19:39:00.003-08:00

It's been a while since I have blogged here on "wet watermelon." To be honest, I have been devoting all of my energies into "the body beneath," my body image blog.

This picture of me was edited on the new desktop I acquired to replace my beloved VAIO laptop. In spite of all my efforts, I cannot get the darn screen to behave...and well, not a whole lot of work can be done if you're looking at the black screen of death. Three years is ancient for technology. It's time.

Altho acquiring new technology would seem to be a convenience, it's definitely not. Not only do I have to figure out a way to transfer my old files onto the new computer, but it's been a few years since I first bought my VAIO and all of the programs I have been working with (like the basic, free version of Windows Movie Maker) has changed drastically. It's changed for the better, but drastically enough that I have to learn it all again, and this takes time away from what I have seriously been wanting to get done: WRITING!!!

I am trying my best to remain positive in the face of all this hassle. I find myself frustrated by the tick mark I hold in the Timeline of this world. I know that in less than ten years, I will no longer have to deal with the technological "inconveniences" I am faced with, but I don't have ten years. I don't have two weeks--I need to get this novel done, and I need to be able to edit and post my Youtube videos.

>deep breath< Just give me 15 years. In that amount of time, I'll be retired young and will have so much money acquiring conveniences will not be a problem.

In the meantime, I am thankful for the skills I am learning right now. I have to learn how to ride the waves of trends and technology like a wave on the ocean. If I'm not on the surfboard, I'm twirling beneath the surface. It's all pretty fun for me, really. Me, a gal who would much rather commune with pen and paper or a manual typewriter, is learning how to proficiently use flash drives and iPhones and ...TWITTER! When I attended college, they were just starting to require that I turn in assignments via e-mail. I clearly remember what it was like to survive without a microwave...and I'm only 31.

Bring on the future. This is an exciting time to be alive with a mind of bamboo.

why "Wet Watermelon?"

2010-05-05T16:47:00.001-08:00

Someone left a comment asking me how I chose this title for my blog.

I sensed a suggestive tone in the query, but considering that I used the word "Wet" in a blog on the Internet of all forums, it was bound to be interpreted with some sort of suggestive meaning eventually.

The title was taken from a poem I wrote in my teens about a transcendent experience I had eating almost an entire scathing-cold watermelon by myself with nothing but a butcher knife and my bare hands. (I don't know where the poem is. Maybe I'll try to find it and post it at the bottom if I do.)

My original choice was "Cool Watermelon"--taken.
"Cold Watermelon?"--taken...and it didn't sound fun.
Well, the experience certainly was wet, and the alliteration was very fun to say.
"Wet Watermelon" was available, and I took it.
Watermelons are big and round and goofy and clumsy. They're also red (my favorite color) and sweet and thirst-quenching. Okay, maybe I don't mind some of the suggestive connotation so much either...(but I don't prefer to get carried away with it.)

It was not until many months after I started this blog that I discovered "Wet Watermelon" was also the name of various 'personal' products.

I have since learned my lesson: Google your title before choosing. Just because it's available, doesn't mean you should use it.

In spite, I still proudly use this title. I know what it means and that's all that matters. :)

PS--if you like my title photo and the mug shot just below, you'll probably like the work of the professional, local photographer that snapped them! Visit her website: http://www.kintype.com/

"you may kiss the bride..." (details)

2010-04-03T07:50:00.006-08:00

Some of my readers have been asking for details on the wedding ceremony, etc. I didn't really offer any because it really wasn't an intriguing process.

I went online and searched for what looked like the best non-denominational, online church that would make me a legal officiator for free, and I filled out the info, got a confirmation, and BAM! I'm a reverend. (Universal Life Church)

You, too, could become a Reverend...for FREE! (the certificate is about $6, but thankfully Kansas is so lenient, I didn't need it.)

I wrote out the whole sermon a month ahead of time. I quoted from the Old Testament, the Bagvad Gita, and the Yoga Sutras of Petangeli...it was a brilliant little sermon. Then I actually met my friend's fiance for the first time. I listened to their story, and watched them interact, and I knew I would have to write the whole thing over again.

The Muses are very picky with me; they insist that my words remain fresh and vital...therefore most of my best stuff comes to me just before I need it, and not a moment sooner. I wrote the final sermon at 9am the morning of the wedding. It came to me in verse, which turned very well when read aloud. This poem conveyed the feelings the couple had expressed when they were talking about finding each other. I have always been fascinated with love and how two people find each other in a wide world of possibilities. I considered the both of them so blessed to have found each other--I wanted to capture that in words. Everyone seemed to enjoy the poem, so I guess I did okay.

The couple exchanged their own vows and rings, and then I pronounced them husband and wife. My favorite part was "You may kiss the bride." Seeing that in movies for so many years, it was fun to be the one to say that in real life. It was a sort of fairy tale for me, too. I felt like I was bequeathing my best friend out of my life and into the life of a better best friend, and well, I was.

i married my girlfriend

2010-03-26T10:28:00.002-08:00

Last weekend, I was honored to perform a marriage.

Somehow, I always knew one day I would do something like this. For those who know me well, they know that to do this was completely within my character.

I am thankful for this experience because it was a catalyst for reconnection with my true self. I don't know why I let my true-self atrophy, but I did. The past week, I have been very glad to see myself again...happy to spend some time exlusively with myself.

I'm still in the process of seeing myself, and this has been a difficult thing for me. I'm disgusted with my body and the habit I developed of yea-saying...disgusted that I have attracted manipulative people into my life again, and that I have allowed them to manipulate me.

I see that I sorely need to shun caring for others right now and care for myself.

Looking forward to conversations with friends I haven't seen in years.

envy

2010-03-08T09:37:00.002-09:00

Tis the season of lent, and this morning I caught myself endulging in one of the seven deadly sins: ENVY.

What exactly is it about Envy that makes it a deadly sin? According to the "Law of Attraction" there's plenty of anything any of us could want...what's wrong with seeing what others have and wanting the same? Is that what Envy is?

Or, is Envy hating another person for qualities or things they posess? That's another thing entirely. I do consider it wrong to hate someone. And if this is the definition of Envy, then I don't think it was envy...well, maybe a little.

...the feeling came from viewing pictures of a young mom I know. She posesses a great husband, beautiful young kid, and a great body so soon after a pregnancy. I knew in the moment I felt it that she has what she has because she creates her life actively. Her conscious choices bring her these results...and I could have the same.

We all could.

I cleaned the kitchen with the motivation from that little drop of Envy.
...is it really all THAT bad?

7:25 AM

2010-02-15T04:25:00.002-09:00

I love the wee hours of the morning when hardly anyone is out and about. The children in the apartment upstairs are still asleep, my husband was dropped off at work an hour ago, and it's just me and this keyboard.

I have not felt solace like this in years.

There's a great peace that descends when you're all alone and safe and unrushed. I'm trying to relish this feeling and figure out a way to bottle it...like on the Legend of Zelda, drink a bottle of something, get filled up with hearts by a little faerie...

The world is getting busier now. Commuters are rushing by on the highway and other people are trying to get to work by 8 am. Me, I am sitting here fully awake way too early on a day off, perterbed that it's so cold and snowy (darn Groundhog). Quickly forgetting that thing I was talking about--what was that? ...it started with a 'p'...

in a very frightened place

2010-02-08T08:32:00.002-09:00

in a very hurt place.

in a place where one lacks everything
thirsty

empty

sick and lonely

and you you just add more padding and more padding and more insulation and more insulation

and more isolation, and more isolation until life

is a Twinkie.

seeing myself

2010-01-15T08:09:00.003-09:00

Seeing myself is difficult.
I see things I don't want to see, I see what I fear, which is proof that what I fear may exist in me actually does exist in me already. All the rules apply to me. I'm not an exception. I'm just a great big "same as everybody else," a great big "I am just like all the people I think are nothing like me--all the people I dislike."

But Namaste and Shanti Shanti and Om Ma Ni Pad Me Hum.

and I really mean that, man.

I just saw a brief video of a man doing some chant and spinning a prayer wheel. He said that if a person was tired of the cycle of death and rebirth, then your problem was not with boredom of the cycle, but boredom of repetition. I don't know if that makes any sense, but this is what it means to me:

I should not be angry that I repeat the same circumstances or make the same choices. The frustration with repetition motivates me to change and to grow. When the whole process of life finally doesn't make me angry, and I take my lessons gladly, without fear, then I will be in a place of true peace. I will love life because I am learning so much.

can't get ahead

2010-01-06T08:52:00.002-09:00

started re-arranging the house and cleared the coffee table, only to have to empty out all of the kitchen cabinets and place everything that was in the kitchen on the living room floor under a sheet.

Our apartment complex is finally getting around to fumigating TODAY, and told us YESTERDAY at about 4pm.

Thank you Mother-in-Law for letting our kitties stay with you on such short notice.

not looking forward to facing that pile when I get home.

unacceptable

2010-01-02T08:32:00.004-09:00

This is our coffee table alone.

Cleaning and finding "homes" for things...all day.

out with the old, in with the new

2009-12-31T10:46:00.002-09:00

muffs for my zills

2009-12-30T20:44:00.002-09:00

I am shamelessly showing off my really-cool zills, and my new ability to play them virtually anytime, anywhere without being hated.

I crocheted both muffs out of fuzzy, blue yarn in less than ten minutes. I am especially pleased with myself over the enginuity of the design--notice, the tension of the stitch keeps the muff on the zill without a drawstring?

And I only had to make two--one cushion between each pair does the trick.
Listen:

Cool, huh?!
I'll have to post a video of what the zills sound like un-muffed. They have such a lovely, lingering, powerful, mellow tone...just like the website said they would!

:D

buuuut...midnight is NOT the time for these girls if you're at home next to a sleeping cat.

vlog and too much to do

2009-12-04T07:19:00.003-09:00

I started another Youtube Channel because I can't seem to do just one of anything.

(link)

Now it seems that I have too much of everything and I want to get rid of it all.

Everything.

The two cats, the apartment, the husband, the job, the body, all my hobbies, my clothes--everything.

What I really need to do is unplug from my life. I keep having the severe urge to start over, but my rational self is pulling against the emotional self that wants to fly out the door. Be rational, now, be rational. Don't just go and leave...what you need to do is re-connect, because you just don't know yourself enymore.

It's so true. I don't know who I am.

I remember having a feeling like this when I was 15...and I expressed what I could of it to a friend of mine after my birthday party. He asked me if I was on drugs. I laughed, assuming he was joking, and then he asked again, totally serious, and I never brought it up again...until college where I found plenty of people who took esoteric, psychological suject matter seriously.

I eventually learned one of the best psychological defenses I can have is a sense of humor. I think I have effectively laughed twice in the past four months. No wonder I'm depleted...

Hopefully my new vlog can add tome laughter to the universe and it will come back to me multiplied.

"-to-the-"

2009-11-05T08:05:00.002-09:00

My favorite new piece of slang: "-to-the-"

Examples:

"Heck-to-the-yes"
"Heck-to-the-no"

This morning, when one of the kids was not at the bus stop when I arrived to pick them up, I said,

"Oh-to-the-well."

LOL

I love slang.

starting over...again

2009-10-16T16:26:00.002-08:00

So... stuff has been rough.
Ever been so mentally exhausted that you just don't seem to live in your brain anymore...you just live in your body and do what you gotta do until it's done?

That's what I've been doing.

I will admit: it is a stress to write this post right now. I finally moved my laptop to my hubby's desk so that the cat will leave me alone! Why on earth he decides to distinguish between a desk and an armchair, I have no idea. The past two months as we have been moving into the apartment, I have actually been using my laptop on my lap and Spock, our Tabby, says

"Oh, she's sitting down just staring at that electric thingy looking so bored. I think I'll climb all over her and smash myself in her face and then she won't be so bored. Hey, look, little fingertips clicking those little flat keys! Fun, fun, fun to play with!"

And now that I'm at the desk, he's nowhere in sight. Go figure.

I had an epiphany today. (Was it today? They all blend together, now.) I thought, if I want to become a certain way, I should not do things that will make it more difficult to obtain that 'way'...

I was remembering what provoked my 3 year study of extreme nutrition: fasting.

I feel like I am finally coming back to my senses...returning to a place where I can receive peace...

Very well, I begin again.

Mr. McFerrin

2009-09-21T08:53:00.005-08:00

The power of music never ceases to amaze me, and never ceases to make me feel happy. Try this little experiment, and see if you don't find yourself knowing the next note he jumps on before he even jumps on it!

Few more reasons being human is the best ever!
One
Two
Three

...and it's just as easy as that.

Come Together--Right Now.

Spock and the Joker's Smile on my Ankle

2009-09-15T08:34:00.002-08:00

After an entire week, I am finally recovering from a nasty virus that took over my lungs!

Yaaaaay!

This is the result of the Karmic adventures of yesterday morning:

Striking resemblance, isn't it?

I was stepping off the bus to check the right turn blinkers--just about to take off--when my right foot must have rolled inward, and I landed ankle-first on the pavement. I think it was the first time I had ever been an "8" on the pain scale. I felt like one of those women in the delivery videos on all fours saying "ooooow, ooow, oooow" rhythmically, trying to "breathe through" the pain. Strangely, I had a sense of empowerment thinking of it that way, and I thought to myself that if I can manage this level "8" pain, I could do well in childbirth. Childbirth has been on my mind since my sister is due in a few weeks.

My "smile" looks a lot better than it feels. :) But I thanked God last night (literally) that I had not at all injured my bones, and that the recovery time would not be half as long.

Yes, that is a crutch in the background, and no, I can't drive the school bus while on crutches. I'm hopong I can put weight on my ankle and walk around by Monday when I see the doctor again. I don't wnat to miss too much work. The opportunity for a full-time position could be opening up soon, and I do want to be seen as active and useful when I am able to apply.

We got a kitty! This is Spock, our brown tabby.

We adpted him from the Humane Society thru a pet store. Four weeks later, we had to take him to the vet because he has had some sort of bug in his intestines and can't stop Poo-ing everywhere. Other than that, he is SUCH a good kitty. He is playful, loving, obedient and beautifully-featured. We couldn't ask for a better cat.

This is his favorite sleeping position:

In fact, he has assumed this position over by the couch, just now as I blog.

Things are pretty good with Wet Watermelon, considering.

theeeeere's a bright golden haze on the meh-daaah...!

2009-05-24T17:12:00.005-08:00

I can thank my father for instilling in me a love for Rogers and Hammerstein.

I can thank "Curly McLain" (R&H) for helping me find a mantra that really speaks what I want to feel each day...what I DO feel each day...who knew it could be so simple? It has been more than a "beautiful feeling"... everything really has been going my way.

I have really started to catch on to this tour guide thing...even tho I didn't want to do it when it came time to train. I decided to open up my mind and recieve. The Lord has been giving. Some mornings when I could feel ickiness creeping in on me, I have climbed into one of the busses and sang this song at the top of my lungs.

"THEEEEEEEEre's AAA BriIIIIIght golden haze on the Me-DAAAAAHHHHH...!!!!!"

...and it works.

The public has been very gracious to me. Even when they start to get testy, I am usually able to build a rapport with the people on my bus and they leave happy. People think I'm informative, and that I have a great voice. Their gratuities have been very generous, and that is helping us tremendously.

We are so blessed! I am so blessed. It's amazing how the more I try to be positive, the easier it gets. When I expect to have fun, I do. When I think that people will show me their best self, I see it.

There is one thing I have stopped doing recently: owning the feelings of others. From time to time, I still slip up with my husband, but on the whole, I have allowed other people to feel good or bad without letting it affect my attitude. Furthermore, I have been taking responsibility for my own attitude. I choose to remain positive. It works! I'm having a great time!

Everything's goin' my way.

:)

why not me?...a few random questions

2009-04-23T01:05:00.003-08:00

Why do I feel like it's not okay for me to make money?

Why is it not okay for me to have lots of money? Why?

I even have trouble asking the Universe for a rock! I think to myself...oh, no. Other people can keep their rocks, but I, ...it's just not right for me to have rocks.

I'm reading the Secret right now. I have read several other books like it, and so I already know what it's about, but I have forgotten to use the principles I learned two and a half years ago.

The only big thing that I really truly believe I deserve right now is to have a loving, harmonious marriage with the man I married. we never stopped loving each other, but we're just miserable and detached from each other and it's been mutual torture for the both of us. Finally tonight...well, it's past midnight, so last night, I finally realized that in the face of the truth, I have seen our demons lash back at us. What has really been the case is we have seen a couple of really scared demons that don't want to leave...a couple of people who are really scared to let go of the familiarity of pain. We think the pain feels good...but in truth, we just have no sense whatsoever of what "good" feels like--we just know that it isn't pain.

SO...since pain is familiar and safe, and happiness is unfamiliar and threatens pain, we end up perceiving pain as good and happiness as bad.

Last night, within one hour, I cried both out of deep pain and then from profound happiness. At first, I couldn't tell the difference...but once I could, I knew there was hope for me...for us.

In writing this, it's all coming back to me. Even at 1 AM the fog is lifting!

...this IS going to be a great summer!

your "fuzzy" of the day

2009-04-22T14:59:00.001-08:00

Watch THIS.

You'll think of American Idol and similar shows in a whole new light.
Very sweet to witness.

:)

happy earth day!

2009-04-22T09:46:00.000-08:00

Thank you, Google for reminding us all of special days both well known and not-so-well-known. My friends, the sun is shining in Skagway...and here, let me show you:

This is the view I can enjoy if I walk one block. Our planet is awesome...and at this moment on this day, I choose to delight in it.

Okay, maybe that sounds a little forced, but it is genuine. I really do appreciate the scenery here, and I do like to go for walks. I will enjoy walks in the woods even more once the slush is off the trail and there's no longer danger of me slipping off a cliff. Danger is always a factor in AK--what am I saying! Just as this pristine view is only a block away, so too are all the feral animals nearby, and the landslides and the rush of the snowmelt that swells the river. Roses and thorns and all, is beauty ever without danger?

Respect the planet, y'all. She can wipe us all out in a day if she wanted.

Be thankful. We live with an incredible Organism.

Let's keep Her beautiful.

y kant krista write?

2009-04-16T13:43:00.000-08:00

Why?

I have simply had a famine of things to say in general, even tho many things have been happening. Perhaps it's all just too personal...because some of it is. I find solace in my privacy these days. I prefer to process my desperation alone without anyone knowing. I will tell you, Will, the man I love, frustrates me very much sometimes. But those sometimes's are growing further apart, and the space in between that used to be just space is now filling with positive, sweet things. I feel like I'm getting my friend back.

I finally get to meet my boss tomorrow, hopefully. I feel like this job will be good. I still have a good feeling about this summer. If not, who cares. I'll get thru it somehow and then it will all be over.

Starting in May, L and I will be heading up a belly dance group at the local recreation center. I have been focussing my workouts on becoming more flexible and also more strong in my legs...at the same time I have been losing weight to make the load on my legs lighter. Eventually, I hope to have an agile yet strong body that will move any way I want with the speed and endurance I desire.

It's nice to see that in print.

Well, off to write some fan fiction. Visit the site if you like: www.jemandthehologramsfanfic.blogspot.com
but there's no text yet.
When I actually get around to posting, it'll be 'truly outrageous.'
:) lol

my green felted sweater

2009-04-16T13:36:00.000-08:00

because a ring makes me feel married...

2009-04-08T13:40:00.000-08:00

make-up makes me feel finished, and getting dressed in the morning and moving into the dining room to update the blog makes the unending depression dissipate somehow...

and I think, "Yeah. I could go to yoga tonight. And everything is gonna be okay."

And my new green sweater with red flowers is so cozy and cheery in a place where it's always rainy and cloudy and cold.

And my husband thanked me for making lunch and kissed me very deep and long before he had to go back to work, and he encouraged me to talk when it seemed I needed to. And he listened without becoming aggravated as I brought up an old, sore subject. And he left smiling.

And sometimes things get better. And sometimes, the sun comes out.

My employer had the flu, and so he re-scheduled our first meeting until Monday. I have to admit, I was glad to postpone...I needed this mental break to re-focus before I devote myself yet again to doing something else other than what I was meant for. Again.

My health has been failing. Really sad so say so, but it's true. This week I have been gearing up for an intense cleanse by eating much less than I have been. Already I feel less icky, and the swelling in my knees has gone away. My cycle issues continue to concern me, but I think my body is just cleaning out and trying to re-balance. I wouldn't say I have not emotionally eaten, but I can say that I have been talking more, and exercising restraint, and being patient and at least going to yoga consistently. I can say that I am making progress.

I attempted to make sauerkraut for the first time yesterday. I covered one small food processor, one large blender, one very cheap juicer and a counter top in purple cabbage juice. All that, when I could have just used the cheese grater in the dishwasher. I added water because the cabbage didn't juice on its own. Boy, I hope that's okay. I would hate to waste that cabbage. I could have sauteed it with butter until it was limp and delicious, but I'm really going raw this time, and I have to try sauerkraut sometime.

The sun is out. I think this will be a great summer, and I think I am finally starting to turn my life up.

our one-week vacation thru Canada

2009-04-01T16:58:00.000-08:00

I am finally in Skagway, AK and on my blog once more.

Pictured here is Will, me, and LD in a hotel in Billings, MT. Sadly, at the next hotel I misplaced my camera and have not been able to find it since. We actually had fun on this trip. The 12-14 hours we were spending in the car at first was really horrible, so LD and I talked it over with Will and convinced him to give us a couple extra stops along the way. This proved to be really good for us, cutting out car time down to about 8 hours a day. We enjoyed our time at the hotels swimming and chatting online, and watching "Dog The Bounty Hunter" on A&E. (Favorite Quote: "Why do you do this when you know that I'm a hunter, and that I'm ruthless?" lol)

Will is now at work, as is Laural, and I will be starting work toward the end of the month. I wish I could send you more pictures, but I lost our camera along the way. :(!!!!!:( Huge bummer. HUGE. I was very put out. ASAP Kezia will let me use her old camera until Will and I can get a new one.

LD, Will and I will be hiking out to Yukatania Point tonight. This will be the second time for me and LD--we went out the first night we got here, in spite of a feroceously cold wind that left us with chapped cheeks. LD enjoyed seeing the wild, northern ocean, and found a really cool stick and some shells.

Will and I are good. Something to write on the other blog...

were the fifties REALLY like this?

2009-03-02T08:30:00.000-09:00

If so, man, I'm glad they're over!

A few LOL's for your day....(link)

a workout I would like to try

2009-02-25T08:39:00.000-09:00

Dance as Meditation

quickie

2009-02-23T08:55:00.000-09:00

for all you grrlz out there who have always wanted to hear Zoe talk: (link)
and for those who wanted to see Sharon's ENTIRE back tattoo: (link)

Zaghareet!

footprints of compassion

2009-02-23T07:09:00.000-09:00

This is what my mom learned at "church" this weekend: (link).

My mother and I have been feeling for years like "the world" was just not right...and that there was something greater emerging from within us that was part of a greater whole emerging from others all over the world. A "Blessed Unrest" if you will. After years of searching, I think we are beginning to identify the source of those feelings.

This morning, I was reading "Rich Dad's Before You Quit Your Job" by Robert Kiyosaki. I'm reading about Spiritual Money, and how this "money" comes to a person when they embrace their Mission...when they really become a professional with their talents by developing their talents to the most perfect they can make it and then sharing it with the world. Kiyosaki's "rich dad" explained that when one works toward one's Mission in life to make the world better, then others with the same mission find one, and the powers of God (or Spiritual Money) come to one's aid.

Quan Yin, the bodhisattva of Compassion (depicted upper left) has been coming to mind lately. Jesus embodies this principle as well. Compassion--Mercy--Love, absolute and unconditional. I know that I have discovered the basics of my mission, but I have not mustered myself above the laziness and doubt that beset me. Along those lines as well, I try to beat myself and force myself to grow. A tree does not force itself to grow...it yeilds to the potential within it. Rather than yeild to temptation, could I try yeilding to progress? I fight change within me, but the growth happens regardless...and the result is gnarling within this old shell, and a great deal of pain...so much more pain than to simply allow the old scales to crack and fall away.

I want to eat Quan Yin. Ingest her, digest her, metabolize her, become her, never hunger again.

I wish the entire earth were covered in her footprints.

Poetry

2009-02-13T07:12:00.000-09:00

Seems like it has been a long time since I have written anything creative. I find I have been very wrapped up in study the past few years...reading books and listening to radio shows that talk about economic statistics and Iatolas. Consequently, I have not allowed myself time to ponder existence and write about it.

This morning, I wrote this poem for a blog my friend started to celebrate the good ol' days when we were in our early 20's and totally love-starved poets. Now, I'm finally in love and it's complicated and largely void of magic. But not becaue the magic went away. I have not treasured the bliss of every moment as I used to. Where is the passion and the longing? Where are the words and the art? Apparently still inside of me, where I found this poem this morning after I attempted a nap.

From a Morning Nap

Sunshine thru my window pale
drops upon my thigh,
so lightly covered by
the yellow sleeping pants I wear,

And on my hair a woven cap
that I did crochet
to keep the Skagway wind away
and drive a yellow bus all day.

The sun is soaked up by the sponge
of early spring clouds gathering
until the wind will wring them out
and make more mud in the fields.

More mud to spin my wheels
as weary I drive
to pay for my life
over days and months and years.

Kk 2/09

bothered and blogging about it

2009-01-28T07:26:00.000-09:00

I did three tarot spreads last night and "Strength" showed up every single time for me...along with a LOT of coins and "the Tower." Strong messages...then again, the girls (cards) are very seldom subtle in communicating to me.

In essence, my meditation led me to the conclusion that I should be about the business of a significant change in my life. I know what that change has to be. I knew that all the self-medicating I have been doing has been to quiet my soul and hold me back from this change so that my personal displeasure does not freak out the people around me...so that I can bear the complacency.

I was not surprised when my husband told me this morning that he really feels like it's time he stopped working for other people and started working for himself. He seemed really bothered about it, too. He says he feels "overdue."

Do you know what to call a baby that's this overdue? "Dead and Rotting." (Hence, the Tower card.)

I'm going to write on one of my novels in an effort to "finish something."

[Completely unrelated LOL: Patriotism]

LOL!

2009-01-27T09:00:00.000-09:00

Monks singing praise...during a vow of silence.

back to black

2009-01-23T09:14:00.000-09:00

"Hey, I found some really cute backgrounds at Pyzam and Doobix...."

THAT DIDN"T WORK AFTER 3 HOURS OF EFFORT!

:)

grr.

bear with me

2009-01-23T08:55:00.000-09:00

I'm trying out some of this "cutest blog ever" background stuff...

This is the only one I could find that would properly download that was tolerable.

case of the blah's

2009-01-21T09:06:00.000-09:00

Bus driving is okay, I guess.

I have been making a very dedicated effort to get good at backing up, but the concept of "right takes you left and left takes you right" seems to elude me. I spend days at my in-law's house now because I am driving consecutively until further notice. I do feel sorry for the girl who broke her foot, but the consistent work could not have come at a better time. We need the money.

Pssh. "We need the money" I hate that phrase. I really do. I don't like hearing it from other people, and I especially don't like hearing it from myself. It may be true, but that doesn't mean I have to go around saying it. ...sounds a little better if you put it like this: (Chuck Brown). "...the cash is the best..." LOL

Well, I'll be darned. I cheered myself up!

I'm bored, and drained of creative energy with an hour of downtime to burn.

It's Youtube time.

where have i been?

2009-01-15T08:48:00.000-09:00

This is where I have been spending a lot of my time recently...and I have lost 10 pounds.

TEN POUNDS! That's 2 sacks of flour! I totally rock.

Ten pounds released (altho significant) is not as cool as what I have successfully attempted. I have kept myself from eating while emotionally aggravated, and I have not cheated myself out of food. I do not feel starved, and I do not feel sick. I am starting to get more even-tempered, too. SIGH! I am so glad I did this for myself.

I'm off to bellydance rehearsal tonight.
...maybe I'll take some pics.

2008-12-29T08:29:00.000-09:00

Sorry, I don't have a proper post for you yet...just a few lol's from John Mayer.

Pimpin' w/ Kanye

Chocolate rain

this is dance

2008-12-23T10:13:00.000-09:00

watch THIS

A woman can communicate her being at any age...and the ones with more years seem to know better, and be better at it.

:)

Some other good ones:
fans/shawls
shawl
group shawl
castanets...wooden zills?
complete with ear floreos...lol...

i'm on youtube!

2008-12-16T04:56:00.001-09:00

Check it out!

first gig ever!

2008-12-05T09:51:00.000-09:00

We had so much fun. I have to say, the majority of the audience were husbands of the Tribe, but I didn't think it was a bad thing. It made for a very relaxed atmosphere. A public performance is nerve-racking enough. It always helps for budding performers to have cheerleaders outnumber the critics.

I think our enthusiasm really transferred over to those who just stopped in for a cup of brew and to view the display of local photography. People could tell we loved what we did. And they appreciated it--they were facinated. It made me very happy.

All things considered, I think I conveyed my solo well. It's a process. Last year I attempted the back bend, this year I could actually do it...and several times! Go me!

I do have videos of virtually all the performances, but for some reason they would not load on Blogger, even after letting it load for 6 hours. I'll keep trying to figure something out.

(Thanks to the O family for all the encouragement and the wondering awe.)

performance prep and pennies from heaven

2008-12-05T08:33:00.000-09:00

This was the first headdress I tried for the Dec. 4 performance. I thought it was awesome, but a little 2005. The next day, I tried again, bringing everything down by my neck and ears (where The Indigo is wearing it these days).

I was so excited! But in the process of practicing, I realized just how out of shape I am. My knees were sore each time I went down for level work, my arms couldn't stay up too long, and I was easily winded. Rather than take it easy, I decided to work harder.

I think it paid off. My stamina is growing as is my skill. And I have dropped a few pounds since I really started drilling. I was telling Will last night that this Tribe is a huge reply to the intentions that I set almost a year ago. Everything about it is perfect! What's interesting is how many other women had the same desire all at once. I guess I must have been picking up on something cosmic.

Speaking of the cosmos and intentions, I have recently been trying to get back into the principles I learned from Remembering Wholeness by Carol Tuttle. I have a friend or two who roll their eyes at EFT, but I had a lot of really great results last year as I was testing it, and I don't know why I ever stopped--I have been miserable since.

I tried the Penny Game that Tuttle suggested for those who have a "low money vibration." The day before yesterday, I asked my Angels to place a penny in my path so that I could rejoice and build my confidence in asking for prosperity. Yesterday, just as I was leaving the apartment, I looked to the neighbor's side of the porch and fixated on a knot in the wood grain. I thought I saw...but no, I'm late...but wait...is it? IT WAS! It was a penny! Just one copper cent! I was so excited, and not at all surprised.

As soon as I got in the car, I shouted "I just found the root of a million dollars! Thank you, thank you, thank you!" While searching for my sunglasses, I found a dime. I laughed and said aloud, "Wow! I just found ten times the root of a million dollars!" I promptly thanked my Angels for helping us obtain the means or circumstances that would allow us to pay the rest of our bills this month.

Finally, I am faced with gathering my faith to ask the universe for that which I truly desire. For some reason I have been hesitating--stalling. Frightened that I will lose it all again...as I thought I did before...but the fact is, I never lost what I had last year...I just stopped asking.

ginger ale: "the best ever"

2008-11-18T09:39:00.000-09:00

David Wolfe says that the best way to start eating in a healthy way is to "add to" one's diet, and to simply eat what tastes and feels good--"the best food ever."

Well, today, I started my adventure in juicing by making myself a healthy version of my favorite soft drink, Ginger Ale.

Here's the recipe, and the LINK.

Lemon~Lime Ginger Ale

(Serves 1)
1 apple, cored and sliced

1/4 lemon

1/2 inch fresh ginger (less if you find the taste too strong)

1/2 lime

handful of grapes (I used green)

sparkling mineral water

-----------------------------------
Remove the grapes from the stem. Juice the apple and ginger together, then juice the rest of the fruit. Pour the juice in a large glass and fill to the top with sparkling water and serve with ice.

(I use a whole lemon and a whole lime and a bit more ginger, and I did not use mineral water. I did pour it over ice and add about 1/2 c. non-tap water.)

WHO KNEW HEALTHY COULD BE SO DELICIOUS???!!!

i want a bailout! (thur's a hole in the bucket, dear willie)

2008-11-11T07:51:00.000-09:00

I want a bailout! Do I have to be a corporation to get a bailout?

Yesterday, we had to scrape up $4.00 to bring our bank account into the positive by 3PM or we would have to pay yet another $35.00 overdraft fee. I was also reminded by the teller that online account information is usually not in real time, nor does it post in order, and if we kept a register of our own, we would know that. I asked this 12-year-old teller what online banking was for if it did not accurately reflect the bank's actual records?

"Um, you can pay your bills online and compare it with your own registers," she said.

"I understand," I said kindly. "Thank you so much for your help."
So, I guess, like, online banking is like, such a total deception to people like me, right? Because we totally think that the online information is accurate, but it's like, totally not. (hey, at least the 12-year-old can balance her checkbook) But really, that's my husband--I'm actually the type of person that lets my husband do the finances while I knit. I am such a step backward for the whole women's rights movement.

More than a bailout, Will and I just really need to get our heads out of our a$$es. The two-month separation, and frankly, the whole adventure in AK cost us. We came out of it even and have not been able to accomplish our goal of returning to school. I'm afraid the same thing will happen next year. Will and I don't really want to hassle with AK, but we feel like the momentum of what we started will pull us back that way anyway. Unless we decide now that we want to stay here for the next year and work until the debt is all gone.

How many times have I told Will that I want to stop moving around? This wasn't the plan. We're so off base, and the BOTH of us are mutable--give us even a small crack, and we leak right out of the bucket! I feel like a kid lost in a department store--like I should just stay where I am until stability finds me. More than that, I feel like I should be an adult, quit being mutable and start being more responsible. Such behavior is LONG overdue.

Will seems to be very much like me in decision-making. He allows (and almost requires) his circumstances or other people's needs to determine his choice of path. It's aggravating. I'm aggravated that I do it too, and it's debilitating to our lives. I don't know--the last time I tried to make a bold decision and force Will to move ahead, I got the big, bad blame for all our woes, both financial and emotional. It's so difficult and slow communicating and making decisions as a couple.

Ugh. "With what shall I fix it, dear Krista...?"

conflict of desire

2008-11-08T08:24:00.000-09:00

Night before last, I dreamt that in spite of having my period, I actually was pregnant, and that I didn't know it. In this dream (which seemed pretty real to me) I was carrying twin human babies--a boy and a girl, the same two in the other dream where I met their spirits--and one other creature that was not human--it wasn't even an animal. Of course, the plot of the dream was me with the doctors discussing how even tho I carried three things, technically I only had twins, because the third thing wasn't human, so it didn't count. Furthermore, it was probably best to try and remove this extra "thing" because it would eventually crowd the other two babies. Unfortunately, the doctors said it would put the twins in jeopardy to operate in the second trimester.

Then Will woke me up to take him to work. I told him as I was waking up that I had another dream I was pregnant with twins--he said quietly,

"I hope it comes true."

Will and I seem to have had too much time to think about having children. Yes, we want them now, no we don't, well, whatever... I've had too much time to consider all the implications of pregnancy and labor and child rearing. It's starting to become a fascinating phenomenon as beautiful, mysterious and out-of-my-reach as the moon. Honestly, because of this current difficulty to procreate, I feel removed from humanity.

As I observe parents and children shopping together in the department store where I work on the weekends, I feel like some alien scientist in a human suit observing their behavior. As I drive school bus I marvel at the wonder that these little children survived to be five years old--that they grow to be teen-aged and that eventually many will conceive children of their own. A couple of these kids I taught in preschool when they were two years old. Now, they're seven and have big teeth and take tests.

What I think gnaws at me, is that this is all part of a rhythm of life...and my drum is a dumb stone. I long to be part of this cyclical dance--to be included in the dance of human life--to experience even just once the fulfillment of being a woman--to have life gestate inside my body. What a strange joy that would be! And at the same time, how normal, how natural, how expected, how very ordinary.

There is an interesting gaggle of people who are looking at diseases and maladies of Americans today as symptoms of a culture focused on the wrong stuff. Infertility, diabetes, heart disease, arthritis, digestive issues, osteoporosis, cancer--if we compare our society to a body, we would very easily see that whatever we are doing to it is killing it. I don't think it's an exaggeration to call our society a "Culture of Death."

I feel like such a statistic. I'm just "one of those women." I have been thinking a great deal about adoption the past couple of weeks, and I feel like I would be just as pleased to raise a child that would otherwise go without parents. But there's a part of me that feels like my own will come to me. For some reason, I just can't shake that hope...and in spite of my hesitation and fears and sense of prudence...I do still hope for them soon.

a smile on my face

2008-11-05T06:15:00.000-09:00

Throughout my life, I have retained the vivid memory of one little, informal debate that ocurred in my junior high social studies class:

Who would Americans elect as president first--

an African American Man,
or a White Woman?

Looking back, I find it interesting that we did not include some other ethnicity for the female, or include someone with a homosexual preference. It seemed that even as young teens, we had our fingers on the pulses of our parents and the rest of the country...as if we knew it would all play out as it has. My classmates and I never resolved the debate. I remember asking my mom later as an older teen--"Black man, or Woman?"

Believe it or not, I said it would be an African American Man. I knew our country was ready to make that statement first, and that Women in politics were not ready. There were not enough of them yet who could really take on the job with enough class and know-how--during this election, we have had two very good eamples (Clinton and Palin) who have demonstrated this point beautifully. Does it make sense to say that I think on the whole American women feel polerized? (help me out, here, Michelle) There has to be a happy homoginization of the agressive zealots and the hockey moms.

I'm working toward that future--not the future when the media will buzz that a person of a certain color or gender has been elected for president, but a future where "We, the People" don't even notice.

...and yes, I did vote for Barack Obama, and this morning, I do have a smile on my face.

:)

i voted

2008-11-04T10:17:00.000-09:00

I voted today. Will refused to have his picture taken, so I told him he had to take mine.

I'm glad the campaigning is over. The View and the world will be a less contentious place for a while. I should have voted Whoopie Goldberg for president.

track #8, the flu, and reactions to possible conception

2008-11-01T11:14:00.000-08:00

I can't stop listening to track #8 on this Putomayo Women of Latin America Mix that Michelle gave me. I decided it would make a perfect mid-tempo bellydance, and decided I would settle on it as the piece I would dance to at a performance coming up in December.

The moment I decided this, my interpretive abilities as a dancer suddenly retarded--I can't get the song to flow through my body. Maybe track #8 can only be understood inside of me and can't be sent out through my body--maybe I'm just not in my body as I have been in the past. I would have to land on the latter assertion--my physical instrument is broken.

Will and I have been suffering from "the cold that is going around." We were coughing, sneezing and sleeping for about a week. So, I haven't really felt at my best while rehearsing lately...but I haven't really felt at my physical best lately in general. There's a deeper feeling of unwell-ness that has been nagging at me. I have known in the past that I need to make some changes, but now, all those feelings are culminating into chronic cycles.

Something's gotta give. Yeshe, if you're reading, you know--and you and I should talk more. Let's meditate at least once a week, what do you think?

I really, truly thought I was pregnant this time...it was so real, that I had a real reaction: I experienced regret for all the opportunities that I would not be seizing...not in a way that made me want to wish away such a precious experience, but ...oh, how do I put it?

I just finally saw my true feelings on the matter, which in the beginning of my marriage were the same: I'm not ready, our relationship isn't ready, and we are not temporally prepared for kids. We love kids, we would love to have kids, but there's so much we...so much I would prefer to do before They come. I surprised myself with these feelings. But then again, I always have been good at hiding stuff from myself. :) Considering that "trying" has yeilded the same results as "waiting" thus far, all of this is a mental shift.

School is the next order of business for the both of us.

But immediately, my next order of business is getting into my body, learning the three-quarter shimmy, and belly-rolling the love out of track #8.

(costume pictures to come)

me, being reduculous in Skagway, AK (featuring my sister)

2008-10-15T11:28:00.000-08:00

Video taken this Summer.

the other dream

2008-10-15T10:51:00.000-08:00

The other dream was a little more colorful and sentimental:

I went down to the wing of the church building where Primary was held and there were two ladies I had known when I first worked in preschool long ago. I was returning some posters to the closet, and there I saw them working with toddlers...preparing them for nap time and snack.

The very thin one was covered in opaque, gold body glitter and the heavy-set one was dressed to go dancing. Everything was in purples and fuschia and blue and deep lighting, rich and sparkling like echoes of a stained glass window.

Suddenly, the church was a cathedral of city streets at night--old and wet and dark with warmth like a Bollywood film. I was in a dream, and I knew I was becoming pregnant, and I ran through the streets after an angelic being, who began as a person, but then flew off in the form of a white, paper cutout of the old angel Moroni weather vane.

I knew it was Jesus, and I missed Him--I wanted to hold Him. So I called quietly after Him--but knowing He couldn't hear me, I called His name louder, hoping I could only be heard in the dream, and not aloud. I called louder after Him, as He flew off--

"Jesus! Please, Jesus! Don't go away!"

And then, the paper angel landed in the water of a fountain in the courtyard of the city-cathedral. Finally, soaked with water, it was not able to fly away from me, and I was able to scoop up the paper Jesus from the water, and hold him close to me.

Then, I was visited by the spirits of two of my children, who had manifested as dolls. One was a boy dressed as a taller soldier, and the other was a girl dressed as a Balinese Goddess dancer. The boy was older, and the girl was a twin, but not the twin of the boy before me. I took them both in my arms and I praised God. I thanked God that He was allowing them to come to me. I told the spirits that it was okay for them to be born to me and my husband, now. It was okay, it was safe, and that they would be very loved if they chose to be born now. I told them how beautiful they were, and noticed especially how intricate and magnificent the girl was.

Eventually, my husband's restless turning awoke me.

I told him about the dream, and he said, "Well, at least we know that you still love Jesus."

i had a dream last night

2008-10-15T10:31:00.000-08:00

Actually, I had two:
The first one was, I was talking to Paul Bettany (above), and he, in all his tall-ness and excrutiatingly-gorgeous smirk-y-ness was asking if I had the kind of marriage that allowed for other men to kiss me. Flattered, and very tempted, I said,

"In a friendly way, yes, but in a romantic way, probably no," I could not control my smile as his persisted...then I told him, "I'll have to ask my husband."

And my husband happened to be my brother (above). I knew all along that there was something strange about that whole arrangement, but I just went with it. So eventually, my bro-husband came into the room and I asked him if it would be okay to kiss another man.

He said , "Oh, yeah! Sure! Go for it! I don't mind."

Still, in spite of his enthusiasm, I was hesitant to do anything I may regret later, but I was also NOT going to pass up a chance like this one. Who knew Paul and Jennifer (below) had an open marriage?

Then, it ocurred to me, 'hey, I'm married to my BROTHER! Isn't that wrong, or something?'
I was very happy to find the loophole, and thought, 'I could divorce my brother on those grounds, and then be free to kiss Paul as much as I want!' I was actually kinda pissed that I had wound up married to my brother in the first place. He was a great guy and all, but it was always really weird having sex...

lol !

Luckily, my alarm woke me up, and I found myself lying next to a man who had NOT been my brother before we were married, and who was a much better kisser than Paul Bettany.

Sorry, Paul. :)

canadian toilet paper

2008-10-15T09:09:00.000-08:00

A little something I noticed on a trip to Whitehorse this summer...

now

2008-10-08T15:59:00.000-08:00

I'm going to write now while everything is wonderful--right now, I will tell you how and why everything is good...

right now. (I should have more of these)

My husband is on a boat headed for a plane that will take him to another plane that will take him to various states in the USA before he finally lands in Kansas City, and I get to see him again, touch him again...kiss him again...talk to him without asking "what?" every other sentence!

Not only this, he and I are at peace--some how, peace came back to us, and optomism, too. I don't know how we found these things, but we did. Like everyone, I want these good things to last for always.

I'm not distracting myself with the idea of always--I am focussed on now, the only thing I have.

...and I shall relish this anticipation, this good feeling, this peace, this happiness...

now.

IBLEVNU

2008-09-30T14:00:00.000-08:00

Today, I passed the driving test for my CDL !
That's right! I ROCK!

I took myself to lunch, and saw the newest movie with George Clooney and Brad Pitt in it. (Wasn't a very uplifting film. I thought it would be a bit more light--the humor was well-written, but very dark, full of profanity and violence)

By golly, in spite of that, I have enjoyed my day. The sky is blue, the sun is shining, it's about 75 degrees...gentle breeze. My husband loves me, and he comes back in about 9 days. Things are looking up.

My psychologist says I should "savor the positive." I have to admit, I have some resistance to that idea. I have worried all my life; "If I enjoy it, if I love him, if I get out there and be what I want to be...will it disappear?" Like it's a dream--if you hold on too tight, it may return to the vapor from whence it came.

No, I simply can't live that way. The fact is, good always ebbs and flows just like the bad in life. Sometimes, you get a big storm of sadness...but after, there is peace...and a new beginning.

This whole time training, I was looking to anyone to tell me I could do it--that I would make it through. A few people chimed in, but I couldn't believe them...and honestly, I finally realized no one could ever help me feel encouraged unless I was willing to believe in myself.

On the way out of the theatres today, I saw the licence plate of a car parked ahead of me. The plate read : "IBLEVNU"

I smiled in the sun and blue sky and gentle 75 degree breeze and said in my heart...

"I know--so do I."

to think--if...

2008-09-27T08:08:00.000-08:00

In the bellydance world, it is generally known how Rachel Brice became interested in the artform of which she is currently an innovator and master. The story goes, she was at a reniassance fair in Southern California when she was in her teens, and she saw this 250--300 pound woman take the stage with incredible grace and posture. She says her makeup and costume were perfect. She looked so confident and comfortable with her feminine mass. As Rachel watched on, she observed what this dance had done to this woman and how she felt about her body...Rachel was moved to tears, and knew she had to get into this dance any way she could.

I just had an experience similar as I watched this Bobby McFerrin performance.
Mr. McFerrin has always been like this, so full of joy as he performs, and loving what he does, but he understands the shamanistic nature of group singing that runs deep in his blood...I have read his observations about the psychology behind call-and-answer singing (showcased in his Circlesongs album) but this youtube spot really hit me. I started crying--it was so beautiful how he united a group of observers, carrying on paragraphs of communication in three minutes--

"sing what I sing! do you hear what I hear? go where I go! let's all make something beautiful together..."

and they DID!

It seemed like for the duration of their jubilant applause, there was a vibrating slice of peace and understanding on the planet. I cry that one person could do this with his voice and love...to think, if we all tried singing together more often...

another...about a baby

2008-09-23T15:49:00.000-08:00

"...for balance..."

poetry slam...heard stuff I needed

2008-09-23T15:13:00.001-08:00

"Tomorrow"

if you exist,

2008-09-23T12:36:00.000-08:00

you simply, MUST hear these two people sing these songs:

Sheila Chandra
(by the way, she fuses Indian drone with British Isles folksongs seamlessly)

Bobby McFerrin
and this,
and this,
and THIS (the human beatbox at the level of perfection--take that Justin Timberlake)
and this
and this (just hear it out--you won't be disappointed)
...I could go on forever.

Aine Minogue
(not sure if she sang it--she's a harpist)

Ladysmith Black Mombazo
(one of my favorites)
...and with Paul Simon... "Homeless" ...a classic.

Hey, if you've heard something I just have to hear, toss me a link!
I want the whole planet to be full of good music.

:)

a little song for myself...

2008-09-23T09:47:00.000-08:00

but it might help you too.

Be Happy

:)

turning it around

2008-09-17T07:14:00.000-08:00

I'm convinced that looking at Johnny Depp in any way, shape, or form makes a woman feel better. I think this even applies to Lesbians. (lol) There's an androgynous quality to him that's appealing to just about everyone.

You know, the past 6months, I really wish I had Willy Wonka (as played by Depp) to tell me,

"You know, you really should stop mumbling, cuz it's startin' to bum me out!"

or, from the same film,

"Good morning starshine, the earth says hello!"

I have relied my whole life on the free psychotherapy of my mother and the unending humor and personal pokes of my siblings to keep me from taking myself too seriously. I'm not used to a world in which I cannot laugh at my mistakes. In the past half a year, I don't think I have laughed once about my follies or about stuff that turned out wrong or that just shouldn't have happened at all. No, it's all been seriousness and crying and grave looks and being informed of what a disappointment I am. I know there are times when that must be the case, but I have always in the past tempered those times with a laugh and a reassuring gesture from someone who loves me.

I have not remembered to have fun, and have not let stuff go, and now, I'm full of all kinds of crap.

But you know what?! I'm going through a cleanse right now--literally and figuratively. I am indeed pooping out a lot of that crap. I lost three pounds in two days...that's nice. People I see say I look prettier. That's nice. In spite of all my recent troubles, I have sunshine today, and a whole day off.

--I think I'll wear flip-flops and jeans. :)

moms

2008-09-15T14:40:00.000-08:00

Was talking to A (of D'n'A) this morning and was complimenting her for being a great mom. We talked about how most often, Mom's don't even need to hear "thank you." The true gift would be a period of time when stuff just goes okay. (lol)

This afternoon, I watched a Q&A session with Dr. Cousens on Youtube and one person asked him how to correct all the horrible things we have done to the earth and the enimals. He said all we can do is simply change our paths. Stop going in the direction of death, and start going in the direction of life.

I thought to myself, if a human mother is anything like our Earth Mother, then the kindest thing we could do for Earth is stop destroying ourselves, each other, and Her. Just stop, be kind to each other and allow Her do heal whatever is left. She can fix herself, She can fix us, but we have to let Her. Her ways take time...but they are the most profound.

chilling out

2008-09-12T12:26:00.000-08:00

OM MANI PADME HUM
OM MANI PADME HUM

my problem with temperance and my hair color

2008-09-10T10:51:00.000-08:00

I'm eating a peach--half a peach--that I purchased at the farmer's market on Saturday. It's not local, and probably not even organic, but it sure is tasty.

My mom gave me some money Saturday that she owed me, and told me to spend it on good food. I went a little overboard and spent it mostly on food that is good for me, not necissarily food that I am used to eating. A couple days ago, the throngs of my menstrual hormones hit me and I ate almost a full pizza all by myself.

Now I know why Dr. Cousens tells his readers to me gentle with themselves while they are in transition. If one does not remember to change gradually, one has a greater tendency to binge on pizza. So, I am hungry right now--rather than deny myself, I will eat...but eat good food that will nourish. Not nasty bulk that my body has to work hard to get rid of.

Will agreed with me the other night that I have a problem with temperance. He explained to me a little about how I could apply temperance to my current situation. It was very helpful--rather than simply giving a brief lecture on the subject, he helped me to apply it to my life right now.(My husband is very sweet, and growing to be quite wise.)

We decided that I could be temperate by staying with my retail job at least until Christmas has passed. This will provide them with the help they were looking for, and allow me enough time to really understand my own capabilities before I give up. I think I really can do more than I let myself believe.

HAIR COLOR: altho I have arranged with my hairdresser to do the red color, I am currently leaning toward keeping my natural color. It took me so long to get it back, and it's looking healthy. It doesn't look green and dead like it used to once upon a time. Cara was right--Will won't care what I look like, so long as I'm with him again. I think all I really need for now is a great haircut.

...then again...I may yet change my mind...

:)

"...into the light of a dark, black night..."

2008-09-05T11:44:00.000-08:00

So, I'm feeling super crappy about the way I have handled my marriage so far. I keep dropping my head into my hand and saying to myself,
"You knew this would be hard, but really, it didn't have to be this hard."

I was talking with my brother and he was telling me about times when he has absolutely shouldered the burden of his idiocy. It's daunting and flabbergasting to behold when one really realizes how many perceived injustices are actually one's own fault. And then, on top of that, to realize that we have hurt others we claim to love deeply.

Why can't I seem to internalize "I forgive you?" And why is it that I think I benefit others when I withhold forgiveness from myself. The whole thing makes me want to rip myself up at the roots and start again from a seed.

What I wouldn't give to be in Alaska right now. What I wouln't give to be in the redundant cold--truly I wouldn't care. You could turn the fan on, too. On High. Just so long as I may sleep with my arms around the sweet, warm man that I left there.

It's not a matter of wether or not he forgives me--what will truly affect me will be the feelings of relief that will bless my soul when I forgive myself. God giggles at me--so many of His children have made more gross offences. My husband easily forgives, altho my repeated offences have put him on the defensive...sooner or later those will fall, and he will trust me again. I am the last one to let it go.

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night,
take these broken wings and learn to fly
all your life
You were only waiting for this monent to arise
Backbird singing in the dead of night,
take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free..."

to go red or not to go red...?

2008-09-04T13:23:00.000-08:00

And I'm not talking about the elections--I'm talking about my hair color.

It has taken me a year and three months to finally get my hair back to its natural color, and now I am wondering if I should die it again. Why? well, my husband loves red hair--not really the natural kind, the deep, died kind. I like it too, frankly. But when it comes to my hair, it's so thick, and difficult to die as it is, that by the time it grows out long the way I want it, it will once again be very expensive to die, and be a huge mess.

But I want to do something to wow my husband when he comes home from Alaska. Don't worry, this won't ruin the surprise--he doesn't read the blogs. I have come to terms with that. When it comes to family and social blogs like mine, I think this is mostly a girl-dominated thing.

So what do you think, ladies? stay with my natural light brown or spice things up with a golden wine?

I have been cleansing and eating very little...mostly because I bought financial books with my food budget.I hope this does something for my figure. I'm too lazy to hoist my mattress up to my apartment, so I sleep very little since I started working both my jobs (school bus driving and department store jewelery counter) I sleep about6-7 hours a night and an hour during the day. Gosh, I hope I make it. I seem to be doing more work for less money right now. The flexibility of these jobs will help when Will and I go back to AK for one more summer next year, but in the mean time...well,it will take a lot of positive thinking, diligence and sleeping.

softer heart, thicker skin...

2008-08-30T11:59:00.000-08:00

Hello!

So It has been about a month. Honestly, I have tried to update the blog a few times, but my buzzing mind has kept me from collecting cohesive sentences.

Here's the skinny:

After three weeks of waiting, I did get a job at a local department store. I will work at the Jewelry counter once I get through training this week.

A few days ago, I finally secured a job with a local school district driving school busses. I start training with them this upcommin week as well.

Will and I somehow made it through yet another frigtening relating period. This time was worse than it had ever been before. He actually said a few things that hurt my feelings, and he didn't seem to care at the time. I clung to the hope that he did not so viciously mean what he was saying to hurt me, and that he did want to stay married. This time, I thought for sure I had destroyed my marriage. (To reassure myself, I should have watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith instead of The Other Boleyn Girl--It's NEVER helpful to thik of one's self as being the modern equivalent of Anne Boleyn. I felt like Will wanted to behead me, and felt like I deserved it...the hate/love, love/hate thing.)

I gave him some space, and he finally called me back. It was very scarry for me, but his heart softened considerably. He forgave me, I forgave him, and we ended the conversation laughing and wishing we could kiss one another. I learned some very importaint things from this most recent learning session...I just wish it wasn't so frightening...and thus, I develop a softer heart and thicker skin.

Goodbye Rocks (prose and pictures)

2008-08-15T12:51:00.000-08:00

That little green shore on the right--that's where we stood the day before.
That's where we went on our first anniversary.

I stood out on the boat until I couldn't see him on the rocks, then until I couldn't see his red Canada ball cap, then until I couldn't even see the rocks...

...then I couldn't see the docks or the cruise ships or Skagway at all...

And the wind off the water was cold, and the people around me spoke German, and my warm tears were chilling and I had no coat and my lonliness was permeating my long sleeve t-shirt.

I put away my camera and found a little room on the ferry that didn't smell like nursing home to sit and read my book. I lost myself in my book, while back in Skagway, Will was buying doughnuts and chocolate milk and cleaning the kitchen all by himself.

I feel like I owe it to them...

2008-08-07T07:58:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I was doing some reading about the incarceration of Warren Jeffs and thanking God that he has been. Of course, after that, my thoughts turned to these women...all these women and children...even well-meaning men...all left to sort their lives out now.

One woman said that they were not allowed to read, and she emotionally spoke of her thirst for knowledge. That was when it really hit me--even some women who live in my own country have to fight and struggle just to have the opportunities that I have. I feel like going to college just because I should...because I can.

I have been thinking about Nursing lately. Yeah, I know I have thought about it and changed my mind a million times, but the biology of the human animal has always fascinated me, and I do yearn to make a difference. Massage is great, but currently caters to the rich in general, and would not really put me in touch with a lot of poeple who 'need.' In this society, it really is true that our lives are greatly determined by the education we do or do not buy for ourselves. I am very lucky to live in a country where education can earn respect and a good portion of money--more and more, I feel that the way to success is to obtain a very good education.

What I would eventually like to do is get into naturopathics and midwifery. For the most part, I dislike the modern medical system. I think that in certain situations, some modern technique may be helpful, and indeed, I do want to learn techniques that could save lives. But what about day-to-day wellness? Diabetees, Obesity, Heart Attacks, Depression, Anxiety, Cancer...it really seems overwhelming, and like we're going down some kind of hill. I think our health system, food industry, pharmecutical industry and immunization programs are sending our society into a whirlpool of illness that mutually feeds all the other various industries. In short, the big dollar business of America feeds upon the suffering of Americans and does little to promote true health and happiness. As Dr. Cousens puts it, "an economy that’s not about health and well-being for the planet, but about the wealth for a few versus the ill health for the many."

(can you tell I've become his groupie?) :)

Unfortunately, the men in white coats have taken over, and in order for anyone to be taken seriously as a health care professional, we have to get the M.D. their way. Annoying but true. I think I might be okay with that. After all, it is my right as an American to change this country if I don't like it...(at least that's the rumor.) And if I am willing to endeavor to do that, I should learn as much as I can from as many different disciplines as I can. You know, I don't quite know what I'm doing yet, but at least I know where I'm headed.

I owe it to my Sisters not to waste my mind and talents.

herbs de provence...the only way to make lentils

2008-07-30T15:44:00.000-08:00

This was dinner a couple nights ago, and I was very proud of myself, so I have to show off.

First, I made mashed potatoes with butter, fresh garlic and fresh dill. Throw in a few dashes of sea salt and MMMM! were they good!

Next, the organic French lentils that we got from the health food store. I figured since I had finally found a canister of Herbs de Provence, I might as well use it on real French lentils.

Of course, I sauteed carrots and celery in a little butter with some garlic and then tossed them in the pot to boil with the lentils and the Herbs.

While searching for a tasty recipe for lentils, I found this vegan recipe that simply stated Herbs de Provence was the best stuff ever to put in lentils--that it made them taste tremendous! After smelling and tasting my lentil concoction, I have to say, it's actually not the lavendar, but the fennel that really does it for me. Lentils can be so earthy and pasty, but the fennel really cools it off and puts a smile on those little things.

I served the potatoes and lentils with spicy sausage.

Herbs de Provence...the only way to make lentils.

(special thanks to Annie--I finally figured out what it means to sautee celery until it "brightens." You would be so proud of me.)

crying boogers

2008-07-30T14:06:00.000-08:00

Stuck in bed in front of my laptop, sick as my body can stand for the third day in a row. I have been crying boogers and praying I don't choke to death in my sleep. Ashamed to say it, but it couldn't have come at a better time. I can't stand going to work right now. I have been trying to figure out a way to go back to Kansas early without Will thinking that I was just "running away from my problems."

Ugh. Finally last night, we reached some understanding. I had to explain my point of view again for the 40th time. The other night in bed, I had a moment of clarity and realized aloud that I would always keep switching from job to job and place to place until I finally did right by myself, got an education and secured a living for myself that was worth my intelligence. (Hey, it's one thing to answer phones if that really makes you happy, but if you answer phones because you're too big of a wuss to get a degree, well then...)

Now that I am making plans to go home in two weeks, I'm getting all goofy about leaving Will. Granted, I do want to leave him on good terms, but if we're doing well, I don't want to leave him for a month and a half. :( >sniff< That's no fun! :(

But it's all good. I'll just steer clear of tragic love stories like Legends of the Fall or Miss Potter, and call him every day when he gets off work.

Oh, goodness! It will be so good to be home where it's mercilessly hot and sunny. And so good to be moving on. I do have faith in my husband. I think he will figure out his path soon. And now that we are both involved in the finances, the playing field will be more level.
>cough!< >sniff, sniff<
Ugh...

time for a nap.

showing off

2008-07-15T11:18:00.000-08:00

This is a picture of the hat I am making as a surprise for someone else.

Baby Alpaca from a cute little yarn shop in Whitehorse, Yukon.
This stuff is incredibly soft.

It's a very simple pattern. I started off with just a 2x2 ribbing, and then decided ribbing was too booring--so I cabled the ribs.

MetroPink...or will it be blue? (and a little about "Day 4")

2008-07-10T18:13:00.000-08:00

Well, it's honest to goodness official--

MetroPink has scored the first grandchild to my In-Laws!

We all knew much sooner than this, but I was waiting for them to decide when to go public with the news to chew with it on the blog.

Jealous? I was, but long over it now...altho I get a few pangs here and there looking at the picture of Pink's stripey pregnancy tests. The only stripe I have ever seen was the one on my LH Surge stick (which thank goodness I still surge). Now, the only pangs I'm feeling are those in my boobs and uterus. Soon, it will be chocolate time.

I think something happened inside of Will when his brother told him the news last month. Will has been to yoga, he's been eating better and trying to work out. He has actually helped me to remain committed to baby-making once every 3-4 days just like his doctor recommended. And when I have had to remind him of "Day 4," he has not complained, but had sex cheerfully...even when he's tired. He's been so good this month.

The schedule has actually enhaced our relationship quite a bit. Will can plan around it, and I always have a guranteed period of intimate time with Will. It really hasn't 'ruined the mood' like we thought it would. Funny, my siblings are also relieved to know when we're having sex. They know when it's safe to drop by without interrupting us. They call it "Day 4."

"Is it Day 4 tomorrow?"
"...but you can't come to dinner Thursday, cuz that's Day 4."
"Go away! it's Day 4!"

In about a week, we should know wether or not our Day 4's helped make a baby. But we have no hopes for this month, really. The whole point of the technique is to give Will's body time to make new batches of sperm (they completely re-generate every 3 months). So we're hoping for results sometime around the end of the summer when I get back to Kansas...or some time thereafter.

Heck, we'll just keep trying--what else can we do? And maybe I can claim first grandkid to my parents.

i want to throw things

2008-07-08T12:20:00.000-08:00

Hormones

Politics

Gas

>sigh<
Why do I ask so many questions?

fighting burnout

2008-06-30T09:57:00.000-08:00

I don't want to be here at work today. Work is fine and good, but I'm just burned out. Same six days a week...9 hours a day. Most everyone else in town is too. Hey, two months down, three to go.

I'm trying to "be an adult" and "let go" and all the other things I know I should be. I guess even the adults that let go still experience feeling this way, don't they? Well, if that's the case, and there is no escaping this moment, perhaps I can take solace in the fact that this moment will pass and eventually work will be over and I will be able to go for a walk.

Will said he would help me with my loan paperwork tonight. I really need to get that sent. Few things to take care of--I need to follow through.

how to do thank you?

2008-06-23T09:17:00.000-08:00

This morning, I was contemplating the first year of my marriage and realized...

Will has been a saint. Really. This guy--as much as he thinks he's not anything special...but he really is one of a kind. I wish I could show him how much I appreciate his patience and his love and all the ways he has just picked up and provided for me.

I didn't know how to thank him, but I started by calling him at work and verbally thanking him for the way he's been this past year. He did say he appreciated hearing the thank you. It's up to me now to figure out how to show it.

While I'm thanking beings for their blessings, I feel I would like to thank God.

HE and I have had an interesting year as well. We amicably separated just before I got married and, ironically, got back together as Will and I were hiking through the woods on our anniversary. The Holy Spirit came to me in a long, fragrant breath of fresh Alaska air. A comfort rested on my shoulders and chest and my whole body felt grounded and light as sunshine.

"Will, let's pray and read the scriptures every night as a couple," I said. "I think I would like to do that."

Will agreed. And I'm sure he was doing silent 'hoorays' in his head. Will has been patiently supporting my spiritual experience, allowing it to unfold as it needed to. At that point, for the first time in my life, I actually wanted to read the scriptures and pray.

I have not learned anything new from reading. I don't even really internalize the familiar words. The praying has actually been lists of "please, God, I need..." But that feeling in the woods has never left me. The ritual sustains me, and I believe it is fixing our marriage with hardly any effort on our part. It's been like paying someone a dime to mow your entire lawn and wash your dishes every day.

How do I thank God?
How do I thank my husband?

When I ask them, they both give me the same answer:

"I just want you to be happy."

things May taught me:

2008-06-22T22:28:00.000-08:00

-Get it in writing.
-Even hippies can be judgemental.
-Pay your tab--all will repect you.
-Enough prayer can turn around a really frustrating work environment.
-When living in a trailer, learn not to be bashful or go without orgasms.
-Mosquitos, frigid cold and athsma-inducing hikes do not make Alaska the best place for meditation outdoors.
-Yoga is like sushi: once you've forced yourself to do it a few times, you never want to go without again.
-The present moment is all that matters.

missing billy

2008-06-22T21:22:00.000-08:00

My family misses Billy Baloney.

When I was about 9, my mother bought the commercial version of the puppet Pee-Wee Herman would use on his TV show. We thought it was hilarious, but my dad was creeped out by it. Dad said Billy looked like a pig, and he forbade me from using him. Billy stayed in the closet for about 10 years.

Finally, in my late teens, we didn't give a crap about what creeped out Dad anymore, and Billy came out of the closet.

At first, it was every Christmas. Then, he started bugging my mom while she was trying to sew. We'd have on some music and Billy would sing...tap his feet...even shimmy.

A year and a half ago, he hung out with the family while we were discussing my sister's wedding. He had a staring contest with my brother-in-law...a staring contest that my BIL actually tried to win.

At that point we knew: Billy had become a part of the family.

In a week and a half, my brother will be joining me and our other sisters in Skagway, AK. Somehow it just doesn't feel like the whole family together without Billy. Mom said he'll be in the next box she sends...along with some sunglasses and a Hawaiian shirt. Yep, while we're all working our butts off, Billy will be on vacation.

We can't wait.

lol...just ask to see the family videos.

quick update...

2008-06-12T09:40:00.001-08:00

Will and I found a new place to live!
It's ENORMOUS--and we will have access to Wireless Internet!

Once we move in this weekend and get settled, I will be posting everything I can...

Stay Tuned!

bypass

2008-06-06T13:05:00.000-08:00

I have literally been praying the Almighty will help me find a way to get the internet to work on my laptop. This post will have to do until I can yarn out all the happenings of last month and provide you with pictures. There's many.

I just read a comment made on the previous post. A lovely acquaintence of mine from long ago said she loved reading my blog, and suggested I write a book. (lol ::forehead slap::) In the context of my current situation, the comment made me wonder why I was still working here, and not on my novels.

Oh, yeah--money.
But you know, poverty has some very motivational properties when it comes to art.
I'm thinking RENT... "Viva Boheeeeeeeeeme!" ::jazz hands::
:D
But am I the one who dies of AIDS and frostbite, or am I the one who chronicles it all and quits the sell-out job to finish what I started?

The gentleman I work for has been doing his art for a little over 35 years and he makes some kind of a living doing this. His stuff doesn't appeal to everyone, but enough people like it, and he's able to have a huge plate of Pad Thai every so often. But that's after 35 years. He leaned on countless kind people to make it past the poverty stage.

It's not about money. It's about realizing what I was put on the planet to do. Even now, after he has more than proven his willingness to support my dreams, I am afraid to ask my husband to help me do it. To me, a sacrafice like that is too sacred--my dreams can't be that importaint. On the other hand, what wouldn't a good man pay to have a healthy, happy, lively, successful wife? I know I would do it for him.

In spite of the good money I am making, I have the feeling that I'm in the right place doing the wrong things. I'm so glad Will and I have the day off tomorrow to go to Canada and forget about work for a little while. It will give me time to figure out what to do.

By the way, the yoga is a lot less painful.
:)

yoga (pain)

2008-04-25T11:15:00.000-08:00

This morning, I attended my second Hatha Yoga class. This time, the teacher never showed. So me and the other two people there did our own thing. I stretched and did the positions I could remember. It was nice. I was proud of myself for going even though I have not been feeling well.

When I say "not well..."
I mean sore, achy and overall distraught. I wonder if this is similar to fasting symptoms...you go without official work and focus on your life and getting yourself centered, and all of a sudden, WHAM! You're hit with all those problems you used to ignore by working and "not having enough time."

Unfortunately, the soreness and the achiness and the psychological feelings of unrest are doing their job: they're telling me that I am unhappy and unhealthy. Pain informs us that there is something that needs to be corrected. It can be a very useful tool in returning the body and mind to equilibrium.

So, thank you, Pain.
I need all the help I can get.

backstage dream

2008-04-23T13:20:00.000-08:00

I had a dream the other night that I was working backstage and met Rachel Brice (bitchin' belly dancer pictured here). She was very down-to-earth, and very free with general advice and encouragement when I told her that I wanted to eventually perform professionally.

When I awoke, I told my husband and asked him again for the sixth or seventh time how much he would mind moving to San Francisco. (lol) He whined about how expensive it was to live there, how difficult to live well...and for the sixth or seventh time, never once made fun of me for wanting to be a professional bellydancer.

I chuckled and told him that it would not be in this lifetime that I dance on tour with the Superstars or The Indigo. My life will probably include a local class, local troupe, local performing and some out-of-state inservices, but no buddy-buddy with Zoe. He takes my whims seriously!

How do I love thee?

The Ways = Pi

Yesterday, I bellydanced all morning and then felt brave enough to force myself to go to Yoga in spite of my sudden phobia of Yoga Classes. Hatha Yoga made me very glad that I did not try Ashthanga, the kind that makes Madonna look so cut. I figured if Madonna does it, I certainly don't need to try that yet. Whew! Hatha hurt but felt good at the same time. We said "OM" at the end and "Namaste"...it was very fun in a traumatic sort of way.

While at the fitness center, I made the mistake of weighing myself and measuring my fat percentage. I discovered that I am 45% fat. I'm like a product from the snack isle. I'm like fried cheese. (but I'll leave my weight issues for the other blog) Needless to say, I had a good cry over that one. I played cards with Will in lieu of dessert.

This morning, I woke up wanting to go running. I may yet go for a trot. Anything to get me closer to backstage with Rachel. It is said that every figure in our dreams is an expression of our own consciousness. In my dream, she was very positive and encouraging...I guess I haven't given up on myself quite yet.

sleeping in and other challenges

2008-04-18T09:06:00.000-08:00

In theory, when one has no job and no other obligations, one should be able to sleep in as much as one would like. One thought that One would be able to do a lot of things that One is having trouble doing.

Will and I sleep on two twin beds that we pushed together. Each mattress is covered with heavy vinyl, giving it the texture of a diaper. This makes it virtually impossible to keep the sheet on. (We stopped trying a long time ago.) One mattress is very firm, the other mattress is very giving with very loud, loose springs. We share one queen-sized blanket. No matter how we sleep on these things, if we try to sleep together, one of us wakes up stuck in the crack. So we tried sleeping separately, squarely in the middle of these beds. We figured, hey, they're mattresses--anything is better than the floor...I swear, as soon as I fall asleep these beds grow arms and beat me all night long. So I go to bed tired, and I wake up feeling like a punching bag.

But hey, sleep in! You've earned it!

We were blessed to be in a room with three windows and barbie-pink walls. I'm not being sarcastic. The guy across the hall is separated from the world by a dark curtain. That's right--curtain. Apparently, the house owner hasn't got to putting up that wall yet. I feel very blessed that we have a hot shower that becomes scalding anytime a toilet is flushed and that we have a little heater for the room to take the edge off the nasty draft from the windows...never mind we wake up halfway through the night sweating to death.

Anyhow, that's where we live, and for Skagway, that's pretty high up on the food chain. Honestly, it could be worse and I am thankful we have what we do. It's just very different from home.

I finally feel like my lungs can handle going out in the severe, frigid wind. The sun is shining today, so perhaps the sunshine will soak into my coat as I walk and into my skin and help me be less pessimistic. My personal time has been spent mostly reading Shrink Yourself and entering large chunks of my novel onto Google Docs.

Honestly, in spite of it all, I have been discovering a lot about myself, and having a lot of fun.

poetry

2008-04-17T11:51:00.001-08:00

"Motives and Thoughts"

American Gigolo; a review

2008-04-12T12:42:00.000-08:00

Call Me... a little confused.

I eagerly opened the DVD case expecting to see a steamy pre-Pretty Woman lust circus but I got the poodle parade instead. It all started out cool enough with the rugged sound quality of that fantastic Blondie classic "Call Me," but from the rediculous cinemaphotographed lovescenes to its jarringly abrupt finish, there was a lot of "what the he--?" I had to ask myself, 'was this supposed to be sexy in 1980?' LOL! Don't get me wrong, this movie had and has potential, and it's pretty simple to fix it all. I could do it five times better and do it PG13. Watch me:

First of all, we keep the theme song, but have someone cool and new do the re-make. Someone who will do the masterpiece justice. Then, we get a real score and a kick-a$$ soundtrack audio CD filled with all kinds of cool retro and new stuff. Throw in Shakira's "La Tortura" or something else hot and LA-ish.

Next, keep all of the major elements of the plot including the clever veiled language and innuendo, but have it totally re-written by the guys who did Ocean's 11. Tighten up the plot and finish the dang movie!

Lauren Hutton and Richard Gere were phenominal. I'm only sorry they were cheated with an unfinished, hazy script and rediculous camera work. So we bring them back; Richard gets to be the Politician and Lauren plays the woman Julian seduces with the "pool boy bit" at the beginning (it's either that, or the woman he escorts to the politician's dinner.) We expand those rolls to warrant their cameos and flesh out the plot.

Next, we cast Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt in the lead rolls.

Can't you just see it? Can't you feel the delicious sexual tension? What? Too 'been there done that?' Fine. Well, I could cast Jennifer Aniston and give her a chance at revenge, but I think we would get claws, not heat. Angie isn't old enough? You're right, I know. The only other choice: Julia Roberts. There's no other actress out there that could do with the character what she can do with it. I know it will be yet another movie where she crosses both Brad AND Richard, but it's destiny, people. Think about it.

I'll put in more heat, less useless nudity, thoughtful cinematography, and a little more humor. The stars will bring instant chemistry and nostalgia--people will be reserving tickets and blogging about the release. The revival will thrill fans, create new ones and make tons of money. Everyone goes home happy.

What do you think, Brangelina?
Think Mr. Bruckheimer would be interested?

Well, if Jerry liked it, he knows what to do...

happa berfday teew yew...

2008-04-10T15:03:00.000-08:00

What you are looking at is home made Scottish Shortbread and fresh strawberries with a dash of sugar. Delicious! Happy birthday to me. (we couldn't find a match, and where are all the smokers when you need them?) By a freak-of-nature-serendipidous price markdown, two big cartons of strawberries were $3--that's less than the sacks flour and sugar we bought to make the cookies. >sigh< Alaskan markets and their $10 packs of gum...what can you do.

Due to the hella-long plane rides and strange vinyl-covered matresses that feel (and look) like diapers, I have had very little rest. No rest+high stress+new germs=Krista gets the cold that everyone else in Skagway has. I've been taking Airborne. The virus is almost beat...I'm just sneezing a lot. (Incidentally, to my left there was a whole frozen salmon the length of my arm resting blithely on the table. There's a skylight in both the kitchen and the living room.)

My lover, who was given the day off to be with me on my birthday. He was great. I told him how to make the Shortbread. He tickled me a lot. We had half an argument about how we spend money, then we played cards, got ready for bed, had some yummy sex and went to sleep.

It was a great day.
I'm 29.

on our way

2008-04-07T08:54:00.000-08:00

Goodbye, Kansas...
I wasn't getting teary-eyed at all. The sunrise was beautiful, so I took a picture that would never do it justice. Maybe in six months I will miss Kansas and be so ready to come home. Maybe Will is going to have to drag me kicking and screaming.

In The Minneapolis/St. Paul Airport. Waiting for Brunch to come.

I had nachos that looked and tasted like an eight-year-old had made them in the microwave...for $10.99. Ugh. Airports. This was my immitation of what Will was like that morning:
(ps--you just don't want to know about the 24 hours preceeding our flight. Two words: not pretty.)

Windows in the Seattle Airport.

A Song for the Space Between the Separated

2008-03-27T18:08:00.000-08:00

This one is going out to Pink-SIL and all who loved her brother.

We are all Eternal, and so is our Love.

all that a month can bring!

2008-03-13T17:26:00.000-08:00

So much stuff has happened, I couldn't possibly give you the details, so I'll give you the reader's digest version:

--I had a moment of major enlightenment about a month ago in which I revealed to myself what I really want to do with the rest of my life. I know what my core values and motivations are, and what path to follow. One of the first big steps is to go back to massage school, so I am in the Fall.

--Will also recently had a moment of enlightenment and has determined that he very definitely wants to become an architectural engineer and not pursue a career in business. He will be returning to KU in the fall. After I am done with massage school, we will both go up to Nebraska where he will finish his schooling.

--I found a website that is helping me overcome my eating disorder and to learn how much to eat in a day. It's very fun, and it's all free! SparkPeople is changing my life--check it out!

--I was tested for PCOS, and all tests came back negative! On the one hand, Yay! on the other hand, Bummer--we still can't seem to get pregnant! The doctor said Will has a vein that may be adversely affecting temperature regulation in his testes. He was supposed to turn in a specimen a couple weeks ago, but gave in to temptation (lol). Good thing he did, tho. According to the ovulation strips I have been trying, my LH surge was the very next day. Here's hoping that I'm receptive and he's a good swimmer!

--Will decided to surprise me with a "proper" wedding ring. It's gorgeous! I love it! We had a princess cut diamond set in it instead of a round. It is one huge chunk of platinum! Just like he is one big hunk of a husband! I am so lucky!

Stay tuned...

every day is valentine's day

2008-02-09T06:43:00.000-09:00

(posts about the MetroPink wedding and Jack and Jill's sealing may be found here)

"Every Day is Valentine's Day," answered a friend at work when I asked her what her plans were for the holiday.

"How's that?" I responded, tongue in cheek. "every night you eat a lot of chocolate and ice cream while curled up in front of a chick movie?"

"Pretty much," she answered. "I just hang out with my Latin lover Raoul."

"Oh, yeah--I know Raoul. We hang out on a regular basis." I nodded with a smile.

"You know, he's the cousin of Ben & Jerry," she said.

"Yeah--Raoul's the one who puts the LIQUEUR in his pints." I laughed.

"Yep!" she cackled back. "Good ol' Raoul!"

I am so used to lovesickness and let-down on V-Day, it hasn't yet occured to me that I actually have someone around to love and that someone loves me. At the same time, I'm trying not to get too excited or place too many expectations on that day...lest it turn out like New Year's Eve...or even worse...The Blue Room!

Truth be told, Will makes every day Valentine's Day. He goes out of his way to make sure I feel special. He's patient, he's forgiving, and he doesn't hold grudges. Far and beyond that, he has the most adorable (albeit odd) fetish--my body, just the way it is.

So for me, most of the past 7 months have been Valentine's Day...last night was Valentine's Day. No roses, no chocolate, no Raoul.

Eh--who needs him anyway?

:)

Pink-SIL (lol)

2008-01-29T12:28:00.000-09:00

Love the Hat!

Congratulations! I'm so excited to see you in your dress!

(MetroPink)

Purple karma

2008-01-29T07:25:00.000-09:00

My gut feels yucky. Truth be told, I am indeed 25 lbs heavier than I was when I got married. Yesterday, I was ready to give up on everything. I was sick of my dead-end, mind-numbing 8 to 5, and sick of the frustrating reality that I have not been able to maintain my weight loss, let alone lose any more. Compounding my sorrow, motherhood continues to elude me. I wonder if I am ever going to succeed at anything I try.

The acrylic nail set I was so excited about turned out to be very poorly done. Instead of getting a fill after two weeks, I was in need of a whole new set. In an attempt to save my husband the headache of paying for another full set, I bought a do-it-yourself kit at Wal*ter*Mart. I should have known better. Seven dollars and four hours later, I had a beautiful set of self-applied nails that were entirely full of cracks within 24 hours. (No, you can’t buy better product without a license.)

Being the wonderfully supportive guy that he is, Will affirmed that if I needed to have my nails done by a competent technician (“If it means that much to you,”) then it was worth whatever money I had to spend. Even to myself, the whole thing seems frivolous, but dammit, I was tired of disappointment and failure! So I looked through numbers in the phone book and found Purple! (nickname used)

To make the story of a very fun and enlightening two hours short, I’ll summarize: she wants to start doing henna and would love to learn from me and do it with me. Also, the one and only massage therapist available at their salon is hardly ever there—she suggested I talk to the owner and see if I could strike a deal to come in and “be available” for walk-ins in the evenings and on weekends.

Purple was really personable and cool. She got into the business not because she wasn’t intelligent enough to do anything else, but to be her own boss and make her own schedule. It was so affirming to listen to Purple talk about the adventures she had in life! Suddenly, I felt like I could break away and also have that adventure in my life. Not only that I could, but that I would, if I tried. God had just opened the window and a fresh, warm breeze was on my face. I was dumbfounded. I was speechless. I don’t even have to think twice about it. I just know.

Purple said it was karma that we met. I agree. Very seldom do I see an opportunity and feel the desire to move forward without a shred of fear.

longing for a family

2008-01-23T13:40:00.001-09:00

Today, I have been in the process of starting up yet another blog--this one is about about pop culture and entertainment. Naturally, one of my first topics was TomKat and their daughter Suri. I found this picture as I looked for illustrations, and when I saw it I choked up.

They're so happy.

Set aside all of Tom's silliness and any of your opinions of them. I mean, these two are the reason I can call someone "jump-on-the-couch in love!" And they 'get' each other--they really do. They protect each other and support each other in what they feel is important.

...and Suri consummated that happiness.

I feel like I'm jump-on-the-couch in love. I'm TomKat-happy with Will. I really am. And yet, it's like I'm a single Nicole Kidman looking in at their happiness from the outside, barren and yearning.

The home test result was negative, and I appear to have finally started this morning. It has only been seven months. And my body is doing the best she can. I have to find some way not to fixate or despair--someway to keep my optimism floating.

I've decided I have to look at pictures like this and say to myself,

"One day soon, that will be us."

the incident at the blue room: better luck next time

2008-01-22T10:13:00.000-09:00

A couple weeks ago, Will and I went to the Blue Room in KC to listen to Jazz. Becky-poo came with us and my mother, aunt and uncle decided to come. I was SO excited. I was going to take pictures for the blog and laugh and have conversations and be silly and listen to Jazz in Kansas City and be cultural and have a great time. Will seemed a bit nurvous, admitting he didn't really know how to handle social situations like that, but I told him it was just like going to a concert, that we would be with friends, and not to worry. I was so into it and ready to have fun.

Everything started just as I thought it would, and I was in a great mood. Then after about 15 minutes at the club, Will started erasing the pictures I had taken of him, including one that I loved a lot, all because he thought he looked bad. Will didn't do it in good humor or appologize. He was offended that I had taken the pictures. This hurt my feelings a great deal, considering I had taken them with the intent to remember our fun night out and preserve those memories--to erase the pictures entirely without discussing it with me, made me fear he may continue to erase pictures in the future off the camera or computer and I will have no pictures of my Sweetie showing the fun times we had or the way he matured. I was very, very hurt.

That incident and my hormones were just right to provoke unending weeping. Sobbing. I excused myself from the table for half of the performance and took myself outside to cry. I abandonned my friend, put my already socially awkward husband in a socially awkward position, and probably made my mother's eyes roll (which, as we know, is the most effective psychological censure there is.) I, having initiated the evening, stood outside and bawled.

Will eventually went outside to stand with me. It only made me more angry. (I'm still upset about it, but I've let it go.) While we sat outside on the all-but-vacant sidewalk, a happy, flirting couple sauntered towards us. They paused and the man took a snapshot of his beautiful date as she stood on the corner of 18th and Vine. Then they smiled again, blushed, and walked into the the club. My heart suffered a minor implosion.

After crawling out from underneath the universe and sucking back my tears, I finally decided to pull myself together and pretend like I was having a good time for the sake of everyone involved. Everyone saw through it, including Becky-poo who hardly smiled the rest of the evening. Nevertheless, I tried to assure Will that we were in a non-threatening situation and it was okay to smile and have fun, to no avail. I took a few more pictures and Becky-poo took a picture of me and Will starting up the argument the second time. I coerced Will into dancing with me. My mom gave Will a neck rub--the obvious sign that I was not being kind to him. Eventually I gave up the pretense and slipped into the awkward funk everyone else had prepared for themselves.

We left before the end of the performance. I couldn't stand bearing the tension. I was totally ashamed, and I am still.

I blame it on the earrings I wore that night--beautiful silver earrings I wear every New Year's Eve. That's another evening that has never proven to unfold naturally or been lucky for me.

Stupid earrings.

Now I have to go find them better luck.

freshening up

2008-01-16T16:49:00.000-09:00

Last night, I arrived for my hair appointment. I laid the picture of Anne Hathaway as seen in The Devil Wears Prada beside me and waited.

I took a picture of my manicure.

I waited.

...and waited.

Finally, a tall, lovely person left the shop. She wore a brown, sequined skirt. Her hair, of course, was long and sleek and blonde and fabulous. She had been with Brock, my hairstylist. After the "how have you been"s and a wash, he whipped out the shears.

"I'm not afraid of short bangs, Brock--do it like the picture." I said.

And he did--he went for it. A blow dry, some hairspray, and 20 minutes with the CHI later...

I had bangs!

You can say it--I am the sass.

:)

getting ready

2008-01-15T13:50:00.000-09:00

I had my nails done. I'm having my mother make me a new outfit that coordinates with Pink-SIL's wedding colors. I've informed Will that he needs to wear a brown suit. I am getting a haircut tonight (pictures to follow). I will wear the pearl earrings that Will gave me and perhaps my pretty enamel flower that compliments me so well.

It's not just the MetroPink wedding I'm preparing for. Will and I are moving...wether it's in with our friend who has an empty bedroom in her aparement, or somewhere out of state is still up in the air. Many things in my life is up in the air right now...but the next couple of weeks will be very revealing and will help us determine more solid plans. Strangely, I don't feel anxious. I'm okay with waiting.

Dude--what's WRONG with me?!

LOL

i'll take a slice of that humble pie...

2008-01-09T08:59:00.000-09:00

Finally, after a long while, I looked up the blogs of SIL and pre-SIL. I had no idea how lonely I was, or how starved for connection.

Last night I went out with Jill-SIL, her co-worker, Jedi Princess and a mutual friend, GothMom. We talked about pregnancy and gossip-y nothings. I hadn't done that in years. It was wonderful! After dinner, GothMom accompanied me as I shopped for groceries and we talked more about my pregnancy anxiety and her pregnancy (which is 7 months along). GothMom is my viking warrior goddess--she helped me take huge 3 gallon water bottles to the car. I want to be like that when I'm 7 months along! She talked about how people keep running into her belly with shopping carts and stuff...

Quote of the night:
"...as if they can't tell I'm pregnant! I'm like, 'Don't you know a pregnant fat chick when you see one?!' "

It was the first honest-to-goodness LOL I had had in weeks. And the first time in a long while that I felt listened to or understood. I'm so glad I didn't punk out of the evening like I have done frequently since I got married. Jill-SIL expressed the same self-inflicted alienation that results from new-husband obsession. No new bride thinks she will get it, but they always do. Whether other people avoid calling to afford the couple privacy, or the bride is just too preoccupied to notice until it's too late...one way or another it happens. I was convinced it wouldn't happen to me...and now, here I am--finally out of denial. Pink-SIL, we're here for you! :)

Humiliation descended on me while I read all the stuff that Jill-SIL had been through the past couple months. I was ashamed of myself for not at least checking her blog and leaving little cheer-up notes. Ultimately, I have been missing out on the encouragement her troubles could afford me--the knowledge I have been so hungry for--that I am not alone.

Yet another reason we have friends and sisters.